I can almost hear the prostaglandins having a party of Olympic-proportions in my brain, stuffing up my heart and lungs, and stirring up the acids in my stomach.
I'm trying not to let the stress get to me, and two weeks ago, I think I was doing ok. Unfortunately, I have felt myself crumble a little at a time, like skyflakes in coke, melting slowly, until the unrecognizable mush bobs heavily in the dark liquid. Too unappetizing to consume, it is left alone, til the liquid overcomes the starch and the cracker-mush sinks to the bottom of the glass.
I haven't sunk yet though. But I am geting steadily saturated by the darkness. It's beginning to invade my brain, and I am finding it difficult to think of nothing else but the fear of being along, the anxiety of separation, and the daunting task of starting anew.
On the surface I try to put up a bubbly front. I try to smile when colleagues ask me how I am. I shrug when friends become concerned about the lateness of my documents. I carry on in a brisk manner when students ask about remaining requirements. I make a mocking face when people sigh and say I will be missed. I try to be brave.
In my solitary moments though, I am not. I worry about a lot of things, mostly I worry about the people I love. I worry about me not being with them, and my heart aches when I think about the distance, and the rituals and gatherings I will miss out on. It's always the "leaving-behind" that is hardest for me. The going is fine. In fact, it is quite exciting, because you know it is a move forward. But the fact is, by moving forward, something/someone gets left behind. And you cannot have one without the other. That is the part I do not relish, and for me it is the most painful --- to know that you cannot take these things/people/experiences with you. Starting anew also means ending what was comfortable.
I am trying to do as I have done everyday: wake up, have breakfast, get to work, get through the day, spend time with Benc and then retire for the night. But in the small corners of my waking moments, it is there: the fear, the anxiety, the worry; the dizzying fright of walking into something unknown, questioning the wisdom of this decision, doubting your own ability to take it on. It chips at my spirit, a little at a time, and I don't know how stop it. I would probably tell someone else, take the plunge! Just do it! using the same philosophy that recommends going through exercise the next day to get rid of the muscle soreness from yesterday's routine.
Someone once told me, the only way out of darkness is through it. I know this is true. I know it is one of the fundamental truths of life. But my fear is also real, and I don't know how to get through it all despite the fear. What should I use as a lamp to see with? How or when will I know I made the right decision? How do I reconnect with those I will leave behind? It just scares me to think so much will change in a very short time. I am afraid of the pain, and the loneliness, and the foreign-ness of everything.
I know it will not be the same. I will not be the same. But, at least, I hope I will be better.
Saturday, July 28
Sunday, July 1
i remembered you today
i remembered you today
and how you smiled the pain away;
and i remembered the strength
that wrestled with the fear
and the hope that i wanted to hear
from you, so i could find the same
courage to face the life that you were given,
and the struggle for which you were chosen.
i stumbled into and along the journey with you, and i fumbled with the prayers
you asked me to do, trying to find the light
in that cold dark corner where i sat
as i watched you fight, and then make peace
with the night.
i remembered your love.
and i remembered your grace.
and i will always remember that there can be no other
like you, no smile as anguished and beautiful
than yours, reflecting the courage you bore for all of us
and the love that never wavered
for the world that could do nothing
but smile helplessly, apologetically,
hoping it was enough
to take your pain away.
Saturday, January 14
Of love and personal journeys
Let's begin with the premise that all feelings are valid. I cannot tell you what to feel, and nor can you do the same for me. But we just all have to accept that this is how the other feels. I can tell what to do, and though you can concur or reject, tell me it is wrong or right, I cannot control your emotions about it. But I humbly request you now to indulge me, and sit through this (short) note, just to let me express my feelings. You can, by all means, express yours after, and I will accept it.
I have had, for quite some time now, had this feeling of being an afterthought. I have felt like an afterthought when it comes to you. I know this may sound silly because being an afterthought presupposes affinity or belongingness among a group -- and I, by all definitions of membership, am not. But by the virtue of nature's destinies, I suppose I was led to assume that I did belong. And that I was part of you. Hence my feelings of after-thought-ness. I may have assumed wrong.
On many occasions I was acutely aware of not being privy to sensitive stories, successes, events in your life that I felt would have been lovely to know and share. Blame it on social media -- it made our most private lives and thoughts spectacles for others to review and ponder on. And many times, I was the "other." I was the spectator, separate and removed from the personal experiences and close ties you shared, but which did not extend to me. I agree that this separate-ness, this distance, could be the consequence of a generational gap; perhaps, too, the result of being the one to face the onslaught of life and conflict first, and hence render my views and place in your life incompatible. We are different. We all are. But I so hoped that those differences would be a welcome characteristic and a celebrated fact so that we could say that, inspite of it all, we were the best of friends.
I so wished we all could have been. I admit to feeling left out of the fun you had, the stories you shared, the jokes, the lingo, the secret, coded looks, the smokes and bottles of beer consumed in the midst of bitching sessions. Your own private, exclusive, inner world. I guess I was wishing that once a threshold age was reached, there would be a point of intersection in interests, experiences and even problems that would serve to bind us. I was waiting, telling myself to be patient, because I believed I could share the relationship you have with the others.
But I feel that I've missed out on too much already to catch up. And I feel that I am now just an artifact of a life you never came to know. I suppose it was partly our fault -- shielding you from the pain and the stress, covering up for shortcomings and inadequacies so that, unlike us, you would be able to "experience life the way it was supposed to." So that now, when I start to open my mouth to share my thoughts, or attempt a rejoinder to your banter, I have become the object of the coded look, the polite retort, the perfunctory smile; the subject of the blank affirmation of understanding. I am simply reacted to because I just happen to be around. I am not actively sought as a receiver of a story, a bitching partner, a companion for "nothing in particular." I apologize for all these far-out imaginings. LIke I said, I assumed all this time that these are what I could be to you/for you. For these are the taken-for-granted, commonsensical notions of what I thought could be my place in your life. But all of these I am not, and it serves to help me outline and surface what it is I simply am. By enumerating what I am not to you, I learn to accept what I am in relation to you.
Someone told me it was silly of me to think and feel this way. That is the reality, I was told, and I would just have to accept it. But I couldn't and I tried to insinuate myself in your activities, trying to be stealth about it. I suppose I was hoping it would make you accept me, and make all of us think (deceptively) that it was an organic rebirthing of a relationship. But I think what I did only served to distance you more, and I hold myself accountable for that. I guess I am one-track minded that way. I am stubborn that way. So I apologize for the times when I was nosey or spewing corny words of wisdom. I guess these were times when I just wanted to be noticed, and feel relevant. Asking about the context of social media statuses and dishing out unsolicited advice about life and love were my ways of trying to get a foot in. But I feel I never succeeded.
I decided just now, that perhaps, it is time to stop. I am not sure if this is the stop that means, stop trying to be relevant in your life forever, or just stop for now. I don't know. But what I feel is that, the pain of being distanced from you will stop when I cease trying to be close to you. It is time for me to accept that this is the reality now, and that I should quit trying to create an imagined reality where I share the same relationship you have. I have just now accepted that trying to weasel my way between the narrow seams of your camaraderie may only tear the fabric of your relationship apart, because, obviously, there is hardly any space for one more. My wanting to be a part of it, I guess, is borne out of my spectatorship: seeing how well you get along, hearing your stories and laughs from a distance, barely catching the fun secret sign language your inner world has cultivated. I wanted to have that, and thought I could. But I guess, I can't.
Don't fret. I ask not for any resolution, remedy or corrective action. This is just what it is -- an expression. I don't want anyone to do anything because if you do, I know it will not be natural. It will simply be a reaction to my thoughts, not an active realization from you, on your own. It won't be independent. It will be manufactured and contrived, and that goes against the very spirit that you have nurtured. Most of all, it will feel awkward and weird. I'd rather not put you through that. No one should have to work hard for that. It should come naturally, via the path of least resistance.
I have had, for quite some time now, had this feeling of being an afterthought. I have felt like an afterthought when it comes to you. I know this may sound silly because being an afterthought presupposes affinity or belongingness among a group -- and I, by all definitions of membership, am not. But by the virtue of nature's destinies, I suppose I was led to assume that I did belong. And that I was part of you. Hence my feelings of after-thought-ness. I may have assumed wrong.
On many occasions I was acutely aware of not being privy to sensitive stories, successes, events in your life that I felt would have been lovely to know and share. Blame it on social media -- it made our most private lives and thoughts spectacles for others to review and ponder on. And many times, I was the "other." I was the spectator, separate and removed from the personal experiences and close ties you shared, but which did not extend to me. I agree that this separate-ness, this distance, could be the consequence of a generational gap; perhaps, too, the result of being the one to face the onslaught of life and conflict first, and hence render my views and place in your life incompatible. We are different. We all are. But I so hoped that those differences would be a welcome characteristic and a celebrated fact so that we could say that, inspite of it all, we were the best of friends.
I so wished we all could have been. I admit to feeling left out of the fun you had, the stories you shared, the jokes, the lingo, the secret, coded looks, the smokes and bottles of beer consumed in the midst of bitching sessions. Your own private, exclusive, inner world. I guess I was wishing that once a threshold age was reached, there would be a point of intersection in interests, experiences and even problems that would serve to bind us. I was waiting, telling myself to be patient, because I believed I could share the relationship you have with the others.
But I feel that I've missed out on too much already to catch up. And I feel that I am now just an artifact of a life you never came to know. I suppose it was partly our fault -- shielding you from the pain and the stress, covering up for shortcomings and inadequacies so that, unlike us, you would be able to "experience life the way it was supposed to." So that now, when I start to open my mouth to share my thoughts, or attempt a rejoinder to your banter, I have become the object of the coded look, the polite retort, the perfunctory smile; the subject of the blank affirmation of understanding. I am simply reacted to because I just happen to be around. I am not actively sought as a receiver of a story, a bitching partner, a companion for "nothing in particular." I apologize for all these far-out imaginings. LIke I said, I assumed all this time that these are what I could be to you/for you. For these are the taken-for-granted, commonsensical notions of what I thought could be my place in your life. But all of these I am not, and it serves to help me outline and surface what it is I simply am. By enumerating what I am not to you, I learn to accept what I am in relation to you.
Someone told me it was silly of me to think and feel this way. That is the reality, I was told, and I would just have to accept it. But I couldn't and I tried to insinuate myself in your activities, trying to be stealth about it. I suppose I was hoping it would make you accept me, and make all of us think (deceptively) that it was an organic rebirthing of a relationship. But I think what I did only served to distance you more, and I hold myself accountable for that. I guess I am one-track minded that way. I am stubborn that way. So I apologize for the times when I was nosey or spewing corny words of wisdom. I guess these were times when I just wanted to be noticed, and feel relevant. Asking about the context of social media statuses and dishing out unsolicited advice about life and love were my ways of trying to get a foot in. But I feel I never succeeded.
I decided just now, that perhaps, it is time to stop. I am not sure if this is the stop that means, stop trying to be relevant in your life forever, or just stop for now. I don't know. But what I feel is that, the pain of being distanced from you will stop when I cease trying to be close to you. It is time for me to accept that this is the reality now, and that I should quit trying to create an imagined reality where I share the same relationship you have. I have just now accepted that trying to weasel my way between the narrow seams of your camaraderie may only tear the fabric of your relationship apart, because, obviously, there is hardly any space for one more. My wanting to be a part of it, I guess, is borne out of my spectatorship: seeing how well you get along, hearing your stories and laughs from a distance, barely catching the fun secret sign language your inner world has cultivated. I wanted to have that, and thought I could. But I guess, I can't.
Don't fret. I ask not for any resolution, remedy or corrective action. This is just what it is -- an expression. I don't want anyone to do anything because if you do, I know it will not be natural. It will simply be a reaction to my thoughts, not an active realization from you, on your own. It won't be independent. It will be manufactured and contrived, and that goes against the very spirit that you have nurtured. Most of all, it will feel awkward and weird. I'd rather not put you through that. No one should have to work hard for that. It should come naturally, via the path of least resistance.
Don't get me wrong -- this isn't easy. I will mourn this severing, just as any meaningful (at least for me) separation is always accompanied by feelings of loss, abandonment, alienation. Remember all feelings are valid, and this is how I feel. Dark. Empty, like something should have been there but isn't. But I also feel hopeful, that one day I may transcend this and be a better person, and learn to accept that there are some instances that I may not be needed the way I need the people I love.
Perhaps my only regret is that it took me this long to admit to myself that I had to let go. So much time was wasted feeling bad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling ignored, feeling paranoid that I was the object of ridicule for you. I neglected to see that perhaps just by seeing you happy, okay, getting on all right in life, was enough. I should have been confident in the fact that at least you could lean on others and find comfort in the knowledge that there was someone always there for you. It didn't have to include me.
In life, sometimes, letting go allows more things to happen than if we continued to hang on. There is wisdom, really, in the oft-repeated adage that something has to die in order to grow. That leaving something behind will lighten your load so you can take on more worthwhile things. That leaving the beaten paths allows you to discover hidden treasures. That saying goodbye to someone means having to meet again. Whenever that will be.
Perhaps by leaving this fruitless pursuit, I will be able to say that there could be hope. Perhaps by putting some distance between you and me (essentially backing off), we will be able to find a different path to travel so that we can meet at some intersection later in life, and realize we were speaking the same language all along. Perhaps I can accept now that I am not a part of you, and by doing so, I can hope to unstop trying to be your friend. It's like saying, sometimes you have to leave so you can find your way home again. And home is really where we all dream of being in the end.
And so with this I travel away from you. I keep a safe distance, emotionally, psychologically, mentally; even physically perhaps. We don't know when I will return, and we don't know if what we want to see and feel will be there when I do. I bid goodbye to you and the imaginary place I assumed I occupied in your life. May we travel on with healthy hearts and a lightness of being. I wish you well on the paths you choose to take; may your mind and spirit be enchanted with the wanderlust of travel and the awe of discovery, as I take my own path, carrying you always in my heart.
Perhaps my only regret is that it took me this long to admit to myself that I had to let go. So much time was wasted feeling bad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling ignored, feeling paranoid that I was the object of ridicule for you. I neglected to see that perhaps just by seeing you happy, okay, getting on all right in life, was enough. I should have been confident in the fact that at least you could lean on others and find comfort in the knowledge that there was someone always there for you. It didn't have to include me.
In life, sometimes, letting go allows more things to happen than if we continued to hang on. There is wisdom, really, in the oft-repeated adage that something has to die in order to grow. That leaving something behind will lighten your load so you can take on more worthwhile things. That leaving the beaten paths allows you to discover hidden treasures. That saying goodbye to someone means having to meet again. Whenever that will be.
Perhaps by leaving this fruitless pursuit, I will be able to say that there could be hope. Perhaps by putting some distance between you and me (essentially backing off), we will be able to find a different path to travel so that we can meet at some intersection later in life, and realize we were speaking the same language all along. Perhaps I can accept now that I am not a part of you, and by doing so, I can hope to unstop trying to be your friend. It's like saying, sometimes you have to leave so you can find your way home again. And home is really where we all dream of being in the end.
And so with this I travel away from you. I keep a safe distance, emotionally, psychologically, mentally; even physically perhaps. We don't know when I will return, and we don't know if what we want to see and feel will be there when I do. I bid goodbye to you and the imaginary place I assumed I occupied in your life. May we travel on with healthy hearts and a lightness of being. I wish you well on the paths you choose to take; may your mind and spirit be enchanted with the wanderlust of travel and the awe of discovery, as I take my own path, carrying you always in my heart.
Tuesday, December 6
fear
There's so much to write about, and lord knows there's so much going on in my head that I know I have to express through writing, but for some reason, I hold myself back. I am afraid of my own ideas, and how I fear they may be shot down for lack of analysis or depth or relevance. As a self-proclaimed new media scholar I should be posting non-stop on my blog about the things that are happening online and offline, especially after so many things have happened recently:
the Rhian-Mo scandal
the Coca-Cola viral video
the Midas Marquez TV grab
YouTUbe's Philippine outpost
iPhone 4s in the Philippines
the upcoming social media summit in ateneo
our own websites and web strategies in the college
creating an online presence
getting people to create an online presence
I can't seem to get past the things "I must do" for the things I know I should be doing. I don't know why I am distracted. Or maybe I am just editing myself. I am afraid of being wrong and humiliated. I sometimes give off the impression that I know my shit, but actually I feel like I don't know squat. That's why sometimes I can't seem to assert myself.
I don't know what to do.
I wish I could assert the new media courses in the MA curriculum but I feel I will not be able to defend it. I am afraid, but I know I should try. However sometimes I feel I don't have others' support. I dunno. I'm so confused and disappointed. I wish I could talk to someone about this.
I want to try. Ok, there. I will try. I will do. Tomorrow. I begin by writing a short post on any one of the items I mentioned above. And then read another section of the new media book.
Sigh. One step at a time, and I'll get there eventually.
Thursday, July 14
Breakthroughs
If there is one thing that teachers like me live for, it's witnessing the breakthroughs in thought and realization in our students. It is the feather in our caps, the huge pats on the back, that long-held breath you're finally able to exhale as you think, they got it!
And it happened today, in one of my classes, when A responded to my question about their biggest insight after discussions on the historical tradition of the media form. Quite casually and even with a hint of annoyance, she said, in the end the form is a construct and it exists as different things for different people at different times. "Wala lang siya. Parang Malaya kaming I-define kung ano siya (it's fluid. It's like we're free to define what the form is for us.)"
I wanted to weep tears of joy and sing alleluias to the heavens. They got it! All this research, the late nights reading, the worry that would settle as I hoped and prayed they did't fall asleep in class or decide it was useless -- all of it seemed to diminish in that one moment. It was then I felt, wow, I can actually teach!
This gave me a much needed boost, a high, if you will, and I had to share the good news with E and B. They were delighted to hear the story and were happy that the students were becoming critical.
We're on the right track. It may have taken this long, but the fact that we got to this point at all is, for me, a cause for celebration.
Sunday, January 9
Caught in the Moment
2011 is the year of the Metal Rabbit. Astrologers say it's going to be a year of harmony and peace but with a sharp edge -- whatever that means. I guess it's more for those born in a year with a wood element. Metal cuts through wood, they say, so some caution is required. I guess that's always a requirement, anytime, any year. However for me, a wood rabbit, i feel it's going to be a year of both the good and the dangerous, a year of making decisions and living with those decisions, going for what i want despite the pain and frustration; living in the moment and hoping the future will be just as fun.
Already I feel an energizing force around me. It could be because the sockets at home are grounded, or the fact that I just got back from the most spiritually invigorating Boracay trip ever! I was able to recharge and freshen up, so to speak, and was raring to go to work. SURPRISINGLY! I'm holding on to that feeling. I haven't felt this good or this positive in a long time. I am going to do my best to find and recreate every little activity that contributed to this feeling, this energy and live it, everyday. Life needs to be this exciting, if not more so.
Part of the positivity could also be the fact that I am making friends in the University. It felt refreshing to be able to connect with members of the junior faculty and actually talk, drink and laugh. I realized just how structured my life has been, filled with expectations that defined even my relationships with other people, and how I should maintain them. Now I'm beginning to understand what it means to just enjoy the moment, bask in the now and make the most of it. No need to define boundaries or categorize levels of familiarity. Or label the relationship. They can just be. And being is divine.
One other reason could also be that colleagues are recognizing my potential and are giving me challenges so that I could hone my skills and expertise. It's quite flattering, and at the same time, rewarding. I've come to the conclusion, after all these years in the workforce, that I cannot survive in an environment that does not allow me to grow in some way career-wise. It has to challenge me, give me opportunities, and provide an enabling environment that helps me reach my potential. I'm beginning to see that perhaps what I thought I would define myself by was not what I needed; instead the detours and side roads before me may lead me quicker or more efficiently to the goal that I originally wanted, but not in the way I expect. This could be a little bit scarier, but I always say, if your dream doesn't scare you then it's not big enough.
And so this year I will look forward to dreaming big, jumping headlong into the moment, embracing the emotion, stripping the labels and clutching at the hands and hearts of those who will take the ride with me. I know it's going to be breathtaking and wild, frightening, empowering and possibly fatal, but it's the only way to know that we actually lived.
Already I feel an energizing force around me. It could be because the sockets at home are grounded, or the fact that I just got back from the most spiritually invigorating Boracay trip ever! I was able to recharge and freshen up, so to speak, and was raring to go to work. SURPRISINGLY! I'm holding on to that feeling. I haven't felt this good or this positive in a long time. I am going to do my best to find and recreate every little activity that contributed to this feeling, this energy and live it, everyday. Life needs to be this exciting, if not more so.
Part of the positivity could also be the fact that I am making friends in the University. It felt refreshing to be able to connect with members of the junior faculty and actually talk, drink and laugh. I realized just how structured my life has been, filled with expectations that defined even my relationships with other people, and how I should maintain them. Now I'm beginning to understand what it means to just enjoy the moment, bask in the now and make the most of it. No need to define boundaries or categorize levels of familiarity. Or label the relationship. They can just be. And being is divine.
One other reason could also be that colleagues are recognizing my potential and are giving me challenges so that I could hone my skills and expertise. It's quite flattering, and at the same time, rewarding. I've come to the conclusion, after all these years in the workforce, that I cannot survive in an environment that does not allow me to grow in some way career-wise. It has to challenge me, give me opportunities, and provide an enabling environment that helps me reach my potential. I'm beginning to see that perhaps what I thought I would define myself by was not what I needed; instead the detours and side roads before me may lead me quicker or more efficiently to the goal that I originally wanted, but not in the way I expect. This could be a little bit scarier, but I always say, if your dream doesn't scare you then it's not big enough.
And so this year I will look forward to dreaming big, jumping headlong into the moment, embracing the emotion, stripping the labels and clutching at the hands and hearts of those who will take the ride with me. I know it's going to be breathtaking and wild, frightening, empowering and possibly fatal, but it's the only way to know that we actually lived.
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